Why Is It So Hard to Ask for What You Need?
Does the thought of asking for something to be different make you wince?
Does it fill you with dread to tell someone you’ve changed your mind?
Maybe you want to go part-time at work. Or you’ve decided not to go to a party after all and now you have to let the host know.
You start building it up in your head. What feels like a small request begins to feel like a confrontation.
Your mind races ahead. You imagine their disappointment. Their judgement. Their irritation. You tell yourself you’re letting people down. You said you’d do it. It’s not good to change your mind. Who are you to ask for what you want anyway?
Meanwhile, your body joins in. Your chest tightens. Your stomach knots. There’s a heavy block of dread under your ribcage.
You avoid making the call. Maybe you draft a text instead. Or an email. Anything to reduce the intensity of it.
Part of you knows you might be blowing it out of proportion. But another part of you feels as if something genuinely unsafe is about to happen.
And that makes sense.
For many of us, it isn’t just about this conversation. It’s about older experiences. Perhaps open communication wasn’t modelled when you were young. Maybe you were laughed at for your opinion. Or labelled “difficult.” Or made to feel that your needs were inconvenient.
So when you imagine telling your boss you’d like flexible working, it may not really be your boss you’re reacting to. It might be the echo of a critical voice from much earlier in your life.
No wonder it feels so big.
Part of what makes these moments so exhausting is the belief that if we rehearse enough, prepare enough, worry enough, we can control how the other person will respond. But we can’t control their reaction, only how we show up.
And you are allowed to show up with needs.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to take up space.
If you’re curious about how understanding these earlier patterns can create meaningful change, you might like to read more in this post about insight and change.
